Not Sure

So many thoughts spin in my head:

1. Feeling uncertain again that DD is for us.  Just about the time that I feel ready to learn to submit, I'm not sure you feel Dominate. I was hoping to finish this time with thoughts of "wow he's stepped up his game an I ready for this?" And instead I'm feeling like I'm still ready but you are gun shy to make the leap. The leap to lovingly telling me what you want me to do without asking my opinion and then expecting nothing less than complete immediate obedience. That's what I thought this weekend would be.
2. Has these days sans kids gone as you planned?  Seemed to me we've done a LOT of just living life, with an occasional spanking thrown in for good measure.  We haven't even followed a regular routine of spankings...I am told one thing and then something different happens.  Why?  Are you tired?  Are you getting the results you hoped for?  Is DD too much work in addition to your daily work load? I play so much off of you...if you are in the DD mode I am too, if you get slack on it I'm right there with ya throwin in the towel. I don't think mentally you want to quit DD, but actions are demonstrating a different mindset.
3. I'm concerned if we can't even get DD "right" on a DD boot camp, than there's little chance of making it work in daily routine life.
4. I think I am the main one to blame for DD not working.  For the 22 years we have been together I have been the planned/organizer and usually get the last word on things.  I wonder if after years of shooting you down when you've had a plan, or tweeking that plan to fit mine instead, or weasling my way out of whatever you had decided to do that you are now almost afraid of upsetting me by saying NO and by being firm in your resolve.  I've been so stubborn and defiant and made your life a real struggle at times that perhaps you have just given up your will to fight for your way.  Now, with DD, a time when I want to "reset" I think I've done too much damage and overcoming it must be EXTREMELY difficult for you!  Here's the way I see it though....doing our relationship the right way, the DD way, you make the plans or delegate to me what you want me to do.  Then, if I give you any lip or attitude or try to change your plan in word or deed, or don't take well to you telling me "no" that's the time to discipline.  After enough time of that way of living, I do believe we can undo the past 22 year pattern we established.  I wonder how much harder changing those patterns will get as we proceed forward with the way it has always been. 
4. I was thinking boot camp would consist of WAY more time focused on getting me into a submissive role.  I've heard of people talking about submissive exercises that just help us get our focus on you.  I was thinking there would be WAY more of that this weekend.  I was hoping for a LOT more demands placed on me, and then since you had no outside obligations, that you would have a scrupulous eye on my actions and would "TEACH" me what submission looks like to you. I can't believe I'm saying this but I WANT you to read, explore, find other HOH's, dream, and imagine what DD could be for you, for me, for us!
5. I'm thinking more than ever that submission to you looks like me giving you what you want sexually.  If that need of yours is met that you are fine with everything else.  I'm not fine with that. I'm sorry...I'm just not.  I can't be one foot in, one foot out and I don't know how to help you find your dominate side.
6. I was looking forward to you joining into the chat last night.  I was looking forward to reduced privileges and you enforcing that.  (you did on Sun morning, but the punishment wasn't really a "punishment") Yes I was even looking forward to spankings.  A LOT of spankings...I was hoping to break this weekend.  Yet, I'm now left feeling just as much in control of us as ever.
7.  I know you don't want a "slave" but I was just expecting our boot camp experience to be much more about me submitting in everything to you.  I expected a LOT more sex, I expected to be pushed beyond my usual limits, I expected to show honor to you every moment of that days. How do I show you honor?? I'm not sure....I was thinking you would have come to grips with what exactly it was you wanted from me and would have taught me that over the weekend.  I was thinking I would be naked more, be kneeling or sitting at your feet more, would be spending much more time just listening to you talk to me, wouldn't be allowed to get a final word in, wouldn't be allowed to alter or change your mind, wouldn't be allowed to desire or ask for ANYTHING, I didn't think I would be able to talk while out in public or have a say in virtually anything, and would be really looking deep inside myself and evaluating if I was ready and willing to give myself to you in that way.  I was expecting boot camp to be YOUR time to shine forth as the dominate partner in our relationship.  The one whoe makes all the decisions, when I pee, when I take a bath, when I put on make up, when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I blog, when I eat, when I drink, etc. I know some of those may sound extreme but that's what I thought boot camp would be...EXTREME submission so that when we did re-entry it wouldn't feel so odd to submit a "little".  I mean, you put into place asking to go to the bathroom (about the ONLY rule I've actually obeyed) and you can't really be meaning to keep that in place after this weekend.   I wanted to find the feeling of total surrender to your leading as a very serious issue, instead of thinking lightly of this "yep, he's in charge" attitude. 
8. I know find myself feeling really no different deep down.  I took my bath, came out anticipating my usual rub down but ended up doing it myself.  We talked about how you would stop. But asking you to stop to take "care" of me is NOT DD in my opinion.  DD is you anticipating my needs, initiating action on your part towards me for my best interest.  It is NOT you doing your work (I thought this was still a vacation day) and waiting for me to ask for your to do X,Y,Z to me.
9. I'm so hurt right now, not sure where to go with all these feelings.  Disappointment sums it up best I guess.  I'm feeling like we are still playing around with DD.  I don't know how to stop that feeling.  What will it take to make it feel "real".
10. How can I tell you, it's ok to make demands of me.  It's ok to be truthful with me and tell me areas you would like me to change in.  It's OK to push my limits and expect results.  Just like how we parent the kids and raise the bar HIGH for them to obtain you can do the same with me.  Is it just too much work to add another "child" to your plate? Are you afraid of being too harsh with me? Is it that you are you worried about me getting upset about too high of expectations or just that you don't know what expectations you want from me?  Are you concerned about your anger getting the best of you?  My take on the anger is that without DD your anger flairs it's ugly head MORE frequently becuase we aren't clearly communicating with each other and keeping a short list of "wrongs" and all the little things that irritate you (the VERY things that you should be placing on me as expectations and disciplining for) build up until they just explode and spill over.  Then, I just pull way back and isolate into my world and you bid me farewell into yours as well.  I am confident that DD will allow you to handle your anger better.  We can deal with those small issues immediately.  I'm not overly concerned of you spanking me out of anger because of that.  Perhaps that's a leadership exercise you could do.  Just take a few days/weeks (without telling me when) and each time you feel yourself irritated with me no matter how big or small take a moment to jot down the situation. That way you could start to see just where I need help to grow and develop into the submissive helpmate I desire to become for you!
11. I'm not sure you are quite ready to proceed with DD.  I'm purposing going back to how we have lived the last week or so.  I will do my best to remember to exercise, not bite my nails, let you open doors, etc. but if I forget no discipline will take place.  I desire for there to be no spankings either, no RA, not maintenance, not even erotic.  I really feel that I need your dominance in my life (not just a spanking here/there) but can not continue to get my hopes up that it will happen only to see different results. I MUST feel consistency! I'm not saying this Boot Camp Weekend was a complete loss.  I think we had some good discussions and are taking baby steps in the right direction.  It's just my perception that there is still much soul searching that needs to go on before really making this a lifestyle.  I love you and want this to work out someday perhaps, just now may not be the time with all that is on both of our plates.  Let's pray about this, maybe even as a couple and take a step back and see where it goes.  Think on these things and process them.  I've just typed in a flury of thoughts so I'm willing to discuss anything you want. 

Rules

Rules can be observed mechanically.  Once they become habitual they can be followed with minimal effort and almost no thought.  . (taken from my morning devotional book)

That quote is my main fear.  I can observe the rules very well from the external perspective, and yet not have an internal heart attitude change.  There will be times that you will be able to sense my internal attitude showing itself as disrespect, and I'm hopeful that you will also be able to see my hesitation or body language.  However, I tend to be dishonest in this arena and hide the truth from you.  I need to understand that complying with the rules with a hidden bad attitude is NOT going to be beneficial to me or to us in the long run.  If we want honest and transparent communication I need to be absolutely truthful at all times with you especially as it relates to my attitude.

I was taught as a child under extreme rule conditions to appease the "governing authorities" but maintain my own independent attitude by escaping into internal thoughts.  This was not a good pattern to establish and I need your help to overcome it as one of my major hurdles. 

I want my submission to be an intrinsic desire, motivated by my love for you and excitment to watch us grow.  I am willing to accept the effort and hard work that it will take to get there.  I want my thoughts to be pure and pleasing as a constant running thread thru my mind of how I can better support you. 

Afternoon talk and RA

     My new assignment is to daily blog.  I hope I don't view this as a burden but instead as an opportunity for me to put down in writing my thoughts and then we can discuss them as time permits before I publish.
     I love that you heard me say I needed more and thought of a new way to instill a daily submission task for me.  Thanks.  I am very hopeful that our weekend experience will launch us into this amazing DD lifestyle.  I'm glad we have these few weeks to practice obedience and warm up to the ideas that will become principles of daily life.
      I need your authority over me, accept no less than immediate and cheerful obedience.  I believe our biggest struggle will be with my attitude.  I don't know how to handle when I feel I have been disrespectful yet you either don't notice or disregard it.  I want to get a handle on this.  I want to respect you fully to my core.
     It's great getting into this with you! Thanks for leading us into a bigger and better marriage.  I love you.
     After a nice long talk you had me get into position on the bed.  You reminded me that you love me and that there is nothing I was being punished for.  I did not put on panties.  I laid on my tummy over the couch cushion.  You began by rubbing me with Arnica Oil.  After that you did several warm up spanks with your hand before switching to the spoon.  The spoon on my bare skin has left me fairly raw.  I find myself wishing for a longer spanking...more time to release my emotions.  I don't know how to lengthen it though.  More "talking" (lecturing) from you to me, alternating implements, reducing intensity to increase duration, corner time, multiple positions, etc.
     I think I am just on the edge of an emotional break thru, a real opportunity to tear apart the walls that I build  to protect myself when it's over and done with.  The spanking helps me to refocus, but I'm not getting the full release I'm hoping for.  I do not want to brat in order to experience a punishment to get the full release.  After our RA you rubbed me for a long time with more oil.  Thanks for caring for me by doing that! 
      Perhaps we will be more able to adequately determine the severity of the different spankings after our time away.  I'm not sure if that is covered or not.  I was also wondering about setting some personal goals for myself that you could help me by enforcing.  I want to become a better person, a better wife, a better mother thru this process.
      I started talking with you about my 2014 "WORD".  Here are a few of my choices.  Would you be interested in joining me on this WORD resolution?   We could help each other experience it to the fullest.
1. new
2. find
3. discover
4.  start
5. change

6. Remember

Lonely Thoughts

It's 1:46pm.  I'm sitting at what should be OUR desk, but today it's missing something...my Sir.  My heart aches for him to return.  Looking at his empty chair is difficult.  This week so many thoughts are flooding my mind.  We recently got away on an overnight trip and did some much needed talking about our marriage.  At that point we were in quite a pickle.  We are really great at being roommates.  In less than one week our marriage can swing from one extreme to the other.  I'm so tired of that and want to make changes in our relationship, I want to work on our dynamic, I want to have the marriage that I always thought only existed in dreams.  I believe it's possible, it just takes work.

Unknowns

So today I find myself questioning where we are headed with this.  After writing my little "ad" last night I started thinking about it more today.  I am interested in knowing where your mind is at.  You know what I want and am looking for.  So, now for you...what do you want?  Do you want me submissive?  Are you wanting it for scenes...aka moments in our sex life...or as a lifestyle?  What term do you think best suits your desires for us (BDSM, TTWD, Taken-in-Hand, Master/Slave, Dom/Sub)?  What are you hoping for from me?  You say you aren't interested in being a sub...so that says you want to be Dominate.  I would love to see a Sub wanted ad that you write!  I feel like this is the point we get to and then we stop...we both sorta want it, but one is afraid to take the next REAL step into the unknown.  I'd love to know more about your book and what is standing out to you.  Do you think it would be beneficial for me to read it too?  Have you found any Submissive books you think that would be beneficial for me to read?  Sorry it's a night of questions...just lots of unknowns swirling around in my head. 

Dominate Man Wanted

Today we FINALLY got some time to do our sexual reading.  That hammock was COLD...but the sun was great and the company was AWESOME!  I enjoyed reading a bit of your book over your shoulder.  So exciting to think of us starting a Dom/Sub lifestyle....scary...but exciting!

As I blog this you are playing with your camera and my naked body in silhouettes. It's making my pussy wet I must say, but also distracting me from writing!  Today when we were talking you said you were thinking of having me write a DOM wanted advertisement.  Well, my advent lesson for today wasn't so great so since you mentioned it, I'm going to do it.

Tough kinky woman in Texas Suburb seeing a White Dominant Man to overtake her.  I'm new to the Dom/Sub lifestyle but open to advancing into Master/Slave with the right man.  I'm tough so you must be strong enough to make demands of me and follow thru with consequences.  I'm an organized person who works well with demands given if clearly communicated.  A contractual agreement should be established before our first scene will begin.  I do not wish to be included in the initial agreement, but would like to talk about future revisions.  Areas of my life that need work in are diet, exercise, self-image, body care (shaving/makeup/etc), complete submission even while absent from you, and overall priority alignment.  Breaking me and making me yours promises to be a hard road, but I believe it will all be worth it in the end...for you AND me.  Please reply ASAP if interested.  


That was fun...hopefully I covered everything I'm looking for!  Here's hoping I get an applicant!

Today was a fairly nice relaxing day.  I accomplished a lot from my to do list AND still had some down time.  That was good.  Morning was great as usual.  Nice to hear you say that you get turned on when you read about how to be a better Master!  Oh how I have MISSED our sexual reading time together in the hammock!  Really hoping for sun tomorrow!

Today's Advent Question was: When am I most aware of my submissive role?  This is an interesting question and certainly one that I will continue to ponder...I understand your apprehension to embracing this lifestyle completely due to the extra responsibilities it places on you, but continue to believe that it may be the BEST thing for me and us.  I currently only am reminded of my submissive role on an occassional basis and would love to feel that more frequently though and unsure how exactly that "looks" and gets lived out.  I am still feeling confussed like, we are one foot in/one foot out of TTWD.  That makes it hard for me.  I'm ok either way...I just don't like the luke warm stuff. 

The times I do think of my role are early in the morning when I first wake up, each time I look/feel my necklace, each time you call me your "Lady", when you sext me,  and when you care for me by managing the kitchen clean up duty while I go relax.  I guess maybe I don't even know what I want/need from you...I want to learn submission, I want you to dominate me, I want to feel loved and cared for in every sense.  I just don't know how to get there. 

I love you...

Long Day

Long day...

This day, all 13 hours of it at work, was TOO long.  Thanks SO much for drinks tonight!  The only bummer is the others at the restaurant tonight...so sad for them, but so GRATEFUL for you and what I have in the security of a reliable man.  Right now you are rubbing my feet...a true expression of love for me!  Oh how I love you...

So, today's advent is all about music and the power of it in our lives.  She asked what our submissive theme song was and what emotions/thoughts rose up in me because of it.  For me it's certainly "Lead Me".  Every time I hear it I can't help but think about how I want you to lead me.  Lead me with STRONG hands, STAND up when I can't, Don't leave me lonely for your love.  It's thru your strong hands and dominate role that I feel your love.

I want you to lead me.  I want you to LOVE that role and cherish how it makes your feel.  I think to many we look perfect on the outside, but on the inside I'm just calling out for you to lead me.  I so easily find myself chasing dreams that aren't related to us and actually take me in the opposite direction at times!  I need to know that you are willing to fight...no that you ARE fighting for us, for our sex life, for my submission, for your Sir leadership role.

I want our home to be a grand place to live...not someplace where I feel alone.  I want to feel like your lady while in the home and I'm not afraid to let the kids see it!  I want them to know the love/affection that's between us and for them to all view how a real gentleman treats his lady.

Well, should head off to neverland...you're done rubbing my feet...wow did that feel amazing!  Thanks...could've dealt with that for a LONG LONG time...looking forward to being with you all week and then enjoying some time together this weekend.  Ahhhh

Long and tough day

Tough day....

Wow...was really fighting to sit down and focus on us!  Feeling the preasure from the day as well as the impending stress of the next 48 hours has my mind out of sorts.  On top of it, my diet is careening out of control and my clothes hardly fit me any longer.  I'm worn out, overwhelmed, and just ready for a break..either that or some tequilla!  Deep breath...

So, my advent journal today was supposed to be about rewards I have had internal or external for submission in my life.  I really enjoy your verbal acknowledgement of my submission!  It's amazing what a simple "good girl" can do.  I especially enjoyed our morning time today.  Again sucking you hard was amazing and then how it lead into making love was FABULOUS...certainly a LARGE reward for my morning submissive job well done. Thanks for guiding me thru my morning exercises as well...love having your fingers planted deep within me.  I enjoy working out my love muscles, enhancing my pleasure as well increasing your gratification! 

I am looking forward to a release of my tension tonight.  I understand that when you tell me to go to the bedroom that means to get naked.  I will do better to obey that.  I missed ready our sexuality books together in the hammock...sigh...and the next few days we will miss out on more time.  Hang in there with me. It's a journey and we will finally reach a day where we can relax and enjoy each other for an extended period of time. 

I thought of my submissive position today each time I looked in the mirror or rearranged my necklace. MMMMmmmm

Recentering and Refocusing

Three days strong and still moving forward.  I'm proud of the progress I have made in the past few days!  It's great to focus and devote time to thinking sexually as a daily discipline.  It's nice to repeat to myself thru out the day that I am a sexual being, made for pleasure as well as spend time together in the morning/evening reinforcing my thoughts.  I enjoy you bringing me pleasure and demanding that I grant your pleasure as well!  I am able to focus on my work while at work, and then switch gears as I anticipate my time with you in the evening.  It's refreshing to feel like I'm starting to get a better grasp on my life priorities.  I treasure our hammock sun time in the afternoon, I love that I'm growing my sexual knowledge, engaging my mind, and feeling the sun spill it's warmth across my kitty.  It's nice to sometimes enjoy your playful touch and at other times just have you know that I'm bare and available yet you exhibit such self control and just lavish the moment being with me.  I'm sorry I didn't get my necklace on yesterday.  It is on now though.  I got quite wet when you agreed that some sort of daily mantra might be a beneficial addition.   A daily verbal reminder of who I am individually as well as relationally may help both of us center ourselves on what really matters.  Thanks for giving me lots to think on...thanks for listening to me....thanks for loving me!  I'm looking forward to finishing my Good Girl book and then would like to move on to "Capture Me"..just FYI! 

Creative concepts

Dear Sir,

Today I have been good.  I have thought of you lots!  I enjoyed waking you at 5:45 by sucking ever so gently on your cock.  Feeling it grow against the warm moist sides of my mouth is an exciting thing in the morning.  Thank you for allowing me to do that for you.  It's a huge turn on to hear you say, "ok....come up here".  It's almost like you submitting yourself, your will, and your desires to tenderly love and hold me in the morning light.  Sweet times...

Today's task on my advent journey into submission is to make a token of my submission...something that I can wear to remind me of my position/standing in our relationship.  I am going to wear my necklace that you purchased in Las Vegas as a reminder of that for now.  The blog talked about saying a Slaves Rosary as you held/touched the object.  I am not your slave so much of the wording seemed a bit strong for our relationship.  Yet, the thought of actually having a Mantra, or a "Rosary" to say to remind me of who I am to you may be an interesting concept to explore.  Here is the link to the slave rosary, and if you so desired we could write up our own submissive rosary...certainly an interesting concept. 

http://petkimberlysjourney.blogspot.com/2012/04/knowledge-24.html?zx=fc6ba7bfd461f8dc 

I so look forward to going to bed tonight...it brings me pleasure to mindfully submit to you! Plus, I'm looking forward to you guiding me thru my nightly exercises!

Your loving Lady

Things to say and hear

My mind has been flooded with things I wish I could say and things I would love to have told to me.  I can't decide how to write them into a story so I will just make a list of them.  Maybe after this I will be able to incorporate them into stories or real life.

Things I'd like to say:
1.  Although I think about spankings a LOT, I really only like the first 10.
2.  I'd love to be more the center of your attention.
3.  I'd love to have my Master lead me STRONG and push me outside my comfort zone.
4.  I want to be more free with my body, but convictions and embarrasment hold me back.
5.  I like the way my naked body looks.
6. Spank me...warm me up and don't stop till I cry.  Break my spirit and make me yours.
7. Buy me an eternity collar and make me YOURS!
8. Read and learn as much as you can about sex, then try it all out on me.
9. Make firm demands of me sexually and follow thru with them.
10.  Don't be so scared of me, my aches/pains/period, when you want ME, then TAKE me!
11. I want to forget who I am from time to time.
12.


Things I'd like to hear SAID to me:

1. Hurting you, and causing you pain turns me on.
2. You are to cum at least once a day.  If you don't there will be a consequence!
3. I can't stop thinking about your body.
4. I like it when other men look at you.
5. We are going out tonight, you will wear this....
6. You've been a naughty girl.
7. You've been a GOOD girl, but I'm still in control so.....
8. We're going to a Clothing Optional resort and YOUR clothing will NOT be optional.
9. I've ordered you an eternity collar, and matching cuffs....they will be used with a spreader bar.
10.  Bartender...another drink for the lady please!
11. I know you're not feeling well, BUT I'm taking you tonight.
12.  I found a new position we are going to try.
13. Go wait for me in our room.
14.

Fresh Perspectives

 Dear Sir,

Sonnet 57:

Being your slave what should I do but tend
Upon the hours, and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend;
Nor services to do, till you require.

Nor dare I chide the world without end hour,
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour,
When you have bid your servant once adieu;

Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are, how happy you make those.

So true a fool is love, that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

This is my new beginning into a submissive lifestyle.  I found a Submissive advent guide online and will be working thru each task over the next month.  Today I was to read this Shakespere Sonnet, pick 2 lines that touch me in my current position, write them out explaining why they speak to me and then use them as a memorial mantra thru this month of rediscovering my submissive self.  

As I read this over, my 2 lines are:

Being your slave what should I do but tend,

Upon the hours and times of your desire.

I am not your slave, but I am willingly submitting myself to you and your desires.  It is my desire to be your helpmate, to please you, to satisfy you, to release stress from your life, to bring pleasure to your days.  I no longer want to put the weight of this lifestyle on your shoulders, I understand that I can even as a sub take an active role of making myself for aware of my sexualness.  I desire to spend time daily thinking and learning how to serve you better.  I will avail myself to you at the hour you need it, laying aside my tasks and duties...serving you as my sir should be my highest priority.  I long to see where our relationship will go as we both deeply look into pleasing the other above ourselves.  I am indeed afraid of the times when I do not want to submit willingly, but know that you will help me thru those times.  Our lives are busy, but you were made for me, as I was for you.  Let's start afresh today with giving each other our best sexually. 

 For this week I understand the following:

1. I will spend 30 min minimum each day on my daily submissive guide.  I will blog my journey and thoughts for you to learn from my deepest desires.

2. I will obediently go to our bedroom and undress as I wait for you when you request this of me.  There will be no questioning, eye rolling, or arguing.  

3. I will repeat daily to myself that I am a sexual being, made to feel pleasure and serving you brings me into a deeper understanding of my role.

Your Lady