Not Sure

So many thoughts spin in my head:

1. Feeling uncertain again that DD is for us.  Just about the time that I feel ready to learn to submit, I'm not sure you feel Dominate. I was hoping to finish this time with thoughts of "wow he's stepped up his game an I ready for this?" And instead I'm feeling like I'm still ready but you are gun shy to make the leap. The leap to lovingly telling me what you want me to do without asking my opinion and then expecting nothing less than complete immediate obedience. That's what I thought this weekend would be.
2. Has these days sans kids gone as you planned?  Seemed to me we've done a LOT of just living life, with an occasional spanking thrown in for good measure.  We haven't even followed a regular routine of spankings...I am told one thing and then something different happens.  Why?  Are you tired?  Are you getting the results you hoped for?  Is DD too much work in addition to your daily work load? I play so much off of you...if you are in the DD mode I am too, if you get slack on it I'm right there with ya throwin in the towel. I don't think mentally you want to quit DD, but actions are demonstrating a different mindset.
3. I'm concerned if we can't even get DD "right" on a DD boot camp, than there's little chance of making it work in daily routine life.
4. I think I am the main one to blame for DD not working.  For the 22 years we have been together I have been the planned/organizer and usually get the last word on things.  I wonder if after years of shooting you down when you've had a plan, or tweeking that plan to fit mine instead, or weasling my way out of whatever you had decided to do that you are now almost afraid of upsetting me by saying NO and by being firm in your resolve.  I've been so stubborn and defiant and made your life a real struggle at times that perhaps you have just given up your will to fight for your way.  Now, with DD, a time when I want to "reset" I think I've done too much damage and overcoming it must be EXTREMELY difficult for you!  Here's the way I see it though....doing our relationship the right way, the DD way, you make the plans or delegate to me what you want me to do.  Then, if I give you any lip or attitude or try to change your plan in word or deed, or don't take well to you telling me "no" that's the time to discipline.  After enough time of that way of living, I do believe we can undo the past 22 year pattern we established.  I wonder how much harder changing those patterns will get as we proceed forward with the way it has always been. 
4. I was thinking boot camp would consist of WAY more time focused on getting me into a submissive role.  I've heard of people talking about submissive exercises that just help us get our focus on you.  I was thinking there would be WAY more of that this weekend.  I was hoping for a LOT more demands placed on me, and then since you had no outside obligations, that you would have a scrupulous eye on my actions and would "TEACH" me what submission looks like to you. I can't believe I'm saying this but I WANT you to read, explore, find other HOH's, dream, and imagine what DD could be for you, for me, for us!
5. I'm thinking more than ever that submission to you looks like me giving you what you want sexually.  If that need of yours is met that you are fine with everything else.  I'm not fine with that. I'm sorry...I'm just not.  I can't be one foot in, one foot out and I don't know how to help you find your dominate side.
6. I was looking forward to you joining into the chat last night.  I was looking forward to reduced privileges and you enforcing that.  (you did on Sun morning, but the punishment wasn't really a "punishment") Yes I was even looking forward to spankings.  A LOT of spankings...I was hoping to break this weekend.  Yet, I'm now left feeling just as much in control of us as ever.
7.  I know you don't want a "slave" but I was just expecting our boot camp experience to be much more about me submitting in everything to you.  I expected a LOT more sex, I expected to be pushed beyond my usual limits, I expected to show honor to you every moment of that days. How do I show you honor?? I'm not sure....I was thinking you would have come to grips with what exactly it was you wanted from me and would have taught me that over the weekend.  I was thinking I would be naked more, be kneeling or sitting at your feet more, would be spending much more time just listening to you talk to me, wouldn't be allowed to get a final word in, wouldn't be allowed to alter or change your mind, wouldn't be allowed to desire or ask for ANYTHING, I didn't think I would be able to talk while out in public or have a say in virtually anything, and would be really looking deep inside myself and evaluating if I was ready and willing to give myself to you in that way.  I was expecting boot camp to be YOUR time to shine forth as the dominate partner in our relationship.  The one whoe makes all the decisions, when I pee, when I take a bath, when I put on make up, when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I blog, when I eat, when I drink, etc. I know some of those may sound extreme but that's what I thought boot camp would be...EXTREME submission so that when we did re-entry it wouldn't feel so odd to submit a "little".  I mean, you put into place asking to go to the bathroom (about the ONLY rule I've actually obeyed) and you can't really be meaning to keep that in place after this weekend.   I wanted to find the feeling of total surrender to your leading as a very serious issue, instead of thinking lightly of this "yep, he's in charge" attitude. 
8. I know find myself feeling really no different deep down.  I took my bath, came out anticipating my usual rub down but ended up doing it myself.  We talked about how you would stop. But asking you to stop to take "care" of me is NOT DD in my opinion.  DD is you anticipating my needs, initiating action on your part towards me for my best interest.  It is NOT you doing your work (I thought this was still a vacation day) and waiting for me to ask for your to do X,Y,Z to me.
9. I'm so hurt right now, not sure where to go with all these feelings.  Disappointment sums it up best I guess.  I'm feeling like we are still playing around with DD.  I don't know how to stop that feeling.  What will it take to make it feel "real".
10. How can I tell you, it's ok to make demands of me.  It's ok to be truthful with me and tell me areas you would like me to change in.  It's OK to push my limits and expect results.  Just like how we parent the kids and raise the bar HIGH for them to obtain you can do the same with me.  Is it just too much work to add another "child" to your plate? Are you afraid of being too harsh with me? Is it that you are you worried about me getting upset about too high of expectations or just that you don't know what expectations you want from me?  Are you concerned about your anger getting the best of you?  My take on the anger is that without DD your anger flairs it's ugly head MORE frequently becuase we aren't clearly communicating with each other and keeping a short list of "wrongs" and all the little things that irritate you (the VERY things that you should be placing on me as expectations and disciplining for) build up until they just explode and spill over.  Then, I just pull way back and isolate into my world and you bid me farewell into yours as well.  I am confident that DD will allow you to handle your anger better.  We can deal with those small issues immediately.  I'm not overly concerned of you spanking me out of anger because of that.  Perhaps that's a leadership exercise you could do.  Just take a few days/weeks (without telling me when) and each time you feel yourself irritated with me no matter how big or small take a moment to jot down the situation. That way you could start to see just where I need help to grow and develop into the submissive helpmate I desire to become for you!
11. I'm not sure you are quite ready to proceed with DD.  I'm purposing going back to how we have lived the last week or so.  I will do my best to remember to exercise, not bite my nails, let you open doors, etc. but if I forget no discipline will take place.  I desire for there to be no spankings either, no RA, not maintenance, not even erotic.  I really feel that I need your dominance in my life (not just a spanking here/there) but can not continue to get my hopes up that it will happen only to see different results. I MUST feel consistency! I'm not saying this Boot Camp Weekend was a complete loss.  I think we had some good discussions and are taking baby steps in the right direction.  It's just my perception that there is still much soul searching that needs to go on before really making this a lifestyle.  I love you and want this to work out someday perhaps, just now may not be the time with all that is on both of our plates.  Let's pray about this, maybe even as a couple and take a step back and see where it goes.  Think on these things and process them.  I've just typed in a flury of thoughts so I'm willing to discuss anything you want.