Thursday, January 2, 2014

2014 Begins

I'm hoping this will be the year that this whole DD lifestyle clicks for us!  I picture us at the edge of a cliff, making the decision to step off into this big new adventure but we are scared.  For me, I'm scared of jumping yet scared of not going for it.  I want to become so much MORE for you this year Sir.  We determined that my word for the year is "Change" and yours is "More".  Thus, why I have changed the title of my blog this year to "Changing for More". 

I want to change to become more for you.  More submissive, more attractive, more capable (do accomplish that which you ask of me), more supportive of you, more sexual, and most of all more in love with you!  I want to fall head over heals in love with you this year. 

You asked me this morning what an HOH gets out of DD.  Here's what I think.  It's like the fruit basket concept that we were introduced to years back.  When you dominate me by pushing my mental and physical limits and demanding compliance I feel that as a deposit into the fruit basket.  In turn, I submit to your lead, talk back less, don't argue with you, and open myself up to you sexually and those are my contributions to the fruit basket.  Thus, when you are relationally hungry you feel that the basket is full and so do I.  When one or the other of us stop contributing to that basket, we can go for a few days/weeks without eating but eventually our bellies start to grumble and before we know it starvation has set in. 

I know DD is a lot of work.  But Sir, we try to teach our kids that hard work is how we get ahead in life.  It's how we obtain great results.  Shame on us for thinking our marriage will just naturally fall together into a healthy Godly pattern.  We are both sinners, set on our own course for disaster...looking out for #1.  That's the exact pattern we need to break.  I am worth it, you are worth it, WE are worth it.

I challenge you to hold me firm to my word this year.  Remind me often of my desire to CHANGE.  Weave it into as many of our conversations as possible.  If I get upset with you bringing it up please do not let me get away with that...I NEED to hear it and be held to a new standard.  I don't want to stay where I am at in life.  I would love to challenge you to find out what MORE means for you inside of our DD lifestyle.  I'm scared that after our morning talk you will want to stop pursuing DD because of the extra work load.  However, MORE work will result in MORE results.  Running didn't come easy at first, did it?  And now look at what you can do.  I hope you can find in yourself the ability to require MORE from yourself in our marriage.  MORE domination, MORE expectations, MORE demands, MORE love, MORE words to communicate, MORE time devoted to learning about DD and how to expand our horizons. 

I love you Sir, let's experience this great new year together with a lot MORE CHANGE!

Mixed up Day

Day 2:

Confussing day:
1. Woke up to a spanking due to using my kindle without asking.  I wasn't too happy about a spanking but it ended up being a very light spanking.  Why?
2. Then, I received a second spanking at the hotel that was much harder.  However, I didn't really like it as it was rushed so we could check out of the hotel.
3. I didn't receive any more spankings once we got home.  You talked yesterday about being at home begin difficult for me with all that needs to be done and yet it seemed to distract you more than me when we got here.
4. My thought today: I find myself dreaming of submitting to conseqences that you create.  Consequences that I may not like, but thru that process, coming to grips with what submission truly is...a laying aside of what I desire to please you.  Please find it within yourself to be consistent with this if it's what you feel is best!
5. I'm very concerned that remaining consistent is difficult during our DD time away, that once real life hits it will become even harder to continue.  I missed my RA on Friday night, and then, didn't get all 4 spankings today.  That's hard for me.
6. Thanks for not bruising are doing a great job with that and I appreciate your care for my bottom! 
7. I'm hopeful for tomorrow.  We had a good day today, just again not what I was expecting for a DD boot camp.
8. If we are going to continue with this... before, during, and after a spanking I need you to talk to me!  Talk more than you do to me at any other time of the day!  Your voice does remarkable things to me.  I need you to talk to me...tell me what you want, tell me what you need, tell me who I am, tell me who you are, quote biblical scripture to me, tell me how I've disappointed you, tell me how I'm handling the spanking, tell me when you are switching implements, tell me when you are stopping to rub me, tell me when you are starting again...just talk, talk, talk to me.  Your voice keeps me centered, keeps me focused, keeps me engaged in the process.  The old addage of the more senses you involve the better, right?  So include my auditory sense with your voice please!  It's ok to be gruff with me if it's a punishment's excellent to be compassionate and loving with your words if it's a role affirmation...and it's ok to talk sexy to me in an erotic spanking.  Your words are like a rudder on the spanking ship and they help guide my mind to the proper direction it needs to go.  
First full day boot camp

1. Tough to go to sleep last night after told RA. Only tell me what doing if you are ready to. Otherwise I doubt your words and view as threats.
2. Talk talk talk to me before during and after spankings
3. Would a submissive pose during lecture be good?
4. Thought I would have more demands on me. It's ok to think of expectations for me and put demands on me and our time especially when alone.
5. Like how you reduced intensity. Now lengthen session?

Monday, December 30, 2013

Not Sure

So many thoughts spin in my head:

1. Feeling uncertain again that DD is for us.  Just about the time that I feel ready to learn to submit, I'm not sure you feel Dominate. I was hoping to finish this time with thoughts of "wow he's stepped up his game an I ready for this?" And instead I'm feeling like I'm still ready but you are gun shy to make the leap. The leap to lovingly telling me what you want me to do without asking my opinion and then expecting nothing less than complete immediate obedience. That's what I thought this weekend would be.
2. Has these days sans kids gone as you planned?  Seemed to me we've done a LOT of just living life, with an occasional spanking thrown in for good measure.  We haven't even followed a regular routine of spankings...I am told one thing and then something different happens.  Why?  Are you tired?  Are you getting the results you hoped for?  Is DD too much work in addition to your daily work load? I play so much off of you...if you are in the DD mode I am too, if you get slack on it I'm right there with ya throwin in the towel. I don't think mentally you want to quit DD, but actions are demonstrating a different mindset.
3. I'm concerned if we can't even get DD "right" on a DD boot camp, than there's little chance of making it work in daily routine life.
4. I think I am the main one to blame for DD not working.  For the 22 years we have been together I have been the planned/organizer and usually get the last word on things.  I wonder if after years of shooting you down when you've had a plan, or tweeking that plan to fit mine instead, or weasling my way out of whatever you had decided to do that you are now almost afraid of upsetting me by saying NO and by being firm in your resolve.  I've been so stubborn and defiant and made your life a real struggle at times that perhaps you have just given up your will to fight for your way.  Now, with DD, a time when I want to "reset" I think I've done too much damage and overcoming it must be EXTREMELY difficult for you!  Here's the way I see it though....doing our relationship the right way, the DD way, you make the plans or delegate to me what you want me to do.  Then, if I give you any lip or attitude or try to change your plan in word or deed, or don't take well to you telling me "no" that's the time to discipline.  After enough time of that way of living, I do believe we can undo the past 22 year pattern we established.  I wonder how much harder changing those patterns will get as we proceed forward with the way it has always been. 
4. I was thinking boot camp would consist of WAY more time focused on getting me into a submissive role.  I've heard of people talking about submissive exercises that just help us get our focus on you.  I was thinking there would be WAY more of that this weekend.  I was hoping for a LOT more demands placed on me, and then since you had no outside obligations, that you would have a scrupulous eye on my actions and would "TEACH" me what submission looks like to you. I can't believe I'm saying this but I WANT you to read, explore, find other HOH's, dream, and imagine what DD could be for you, for me, for us!
5. I'm thinking more than ever that submission to you looks like me giving you what you want sexually.  If that need of yours is met that you are fine with everything else.  I'm not fine with that. I'm sorry...I'm just not.  I can't be one foot in, one foot out and I don't know how to help you find your dominate side.
6. I was looking forward to you joining into the chat last night.  I was looking forward to reduced privileges and you enforcing that.  (you did on Sun morning, but the punishment wasn't really a "punishment") Yes I was even looking forward to spankings.  A LOT of spankings...I was hoping to break this weekend.  Yet, I'm now left feeling just as much in control of us as ever.
7.  I know you don't want a "slave" but I was just expecting our boot camp experience to be much more about me submitting in everything to you.  I expected a LOT more sex, I expected to be pushed beyond my usual limits, I expected to show honor to you every moment of that days. How do I show you honor?? I'm not sure....I was thinking you would have come to grips with what exactly it was you wanted from me and would have taught me that over the weekend.  I was thinking I would be naked more, be kneeling or sitting at your feet more, would be spending much more time just listening to you talk to me, wouldn't be allowed to get a final word in, wouldn't be allowed to alter or change your mind, wouldn't be allowed to desire or ask for ANYTHING, I didn't think I would be able to talk while out in public or have a say in virtually anything, and would be really looking deep inside myself and evaluating if I was ready and willing to give myself to you in that way.  I was expecting boot camp to be YOUR time to shine forth as the dominate partner in our relationship.  The one whoe makes all the decisions, when I pee, when I take a bath, when I put on make up, when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I blog, when I eat, when I drink, etc. I know some of those may sound extreme but that's what I thought boot camp would be...EXTREME submission so that when we did re-entry it wouldn't feel so odd to submit a "little".  I mean, you put into place asking to go to the bathroom (about the ONLY rule I've actually obeyed) and you can't really be meaning to keep that in place after this weekend.   I wanted to find the feeling of total surrender to your leading as a very serious issue, instead of thinking lightly of this "yep, he's in charge" attitude. 
8. I know find myself feeling really no different deep down.  I took my bath, came out anticipating my usual rub down but ended up doing it myself.  We talked about how you would stop. But asking you to stop to take "care" of me is NOT DD in my opinion.  DD is you anticipating my needs, initiating action on your part towards me for my best interest.  It is NOT you doing your work (I thought this was still a vacation day) and waiting for me to ask for your to do X,Y,Z to me.
9. I'm so hurt right now, not sure where to go with all these feelings.  Disappointment sums it up best I guess.  I'm feeling like we are still playing around with DD.  I don't know how to stop that feeling.  What will it take to make it feel "real".
10. How can I tell you, it's ok to make demands of me.  It's ok to be truthful with me and tell me areas you would like me to change in.  It's OK to push my limits and expect results.  Just like how we parent the kids and raise the bar HIGH for them to obtain you can do the same with me.  Is it just too much work to add another "child" to your plate? Are you afraid of being too harsh with me? Is it that you are you worried about me getting upset about too high of expectations or just that you don't know what expectations you want from me?  Are you concerned about your anger getting the best of you?  My take on the anger is that without DD your anger flairs it's ugly head MORE frequently becuase we aren't clearly communicating with each other and keeping a short list of "wrongs" and all the little things that irritate you (the VERY things that you should be placing on me as expectations and disciplining for) build up until they just explode and spill over.  Then, I just pull way back and isolate into my world and you bid me farewell into yours as well.  I am confident that DD will allow you to handle your anger better.  We can deal with those small issues immediately.  I'm not overly concerned of you spanking me out of anger because of that.  Perhaps that's a leadership exercise you could do.  Just take a few days/weeks (without telling me when) and each time you feel yourself irritated with me no matter how big or small take a moment to jot down the situation. That way you could start to see just where I need help to grow and develop into the submissive helpmate I desire to become for you!
11. I'm not sure you are quite ready to proceed with DD.  I'm purposing going back to how we have lived the last week or so.  I will do my best to remember to exercise, not bite my nails, let you open doors, etc. but if I forget no discipline will take place.  I desire for there to be no spankings either, no RA, not maintenance, not even erotic.  I really feel that I need your dominance in my life (not just a spanking here/there) but can not continue to get my hopes up that it will happen only to see different results. I MUST feel consistency! I'm not saying this Boot Camp Weekend was a complete loss.  I think we had some good discussions and are taking baby steps in the right direction.  It's just my perception that there is still much soul searching that needs to go on before really making this a lifestyle.  I love you and want this to work out someday perhaps, just now may not be the time with all that is on both of our plates.  Let's pray about this, maybe even as a couple and take a step back and see where it goes.  Think on these things and process them.  I've just typed in a flury of thoughts so I'm willing to discuss anything you want. 

Friday, December 6, 2013


Rules can be observed mechanically.  Once they become habitual they can be followed with minimal effort and almost no thought.  . (taken from my morning devotional book)

That quote is my main fear.  I can observe the rules very well from the external perspective, and yet not have an internal heart attitude change.  There will be times that you will be able to sense my internal attitude showing itself as disrespect, and I'm hopeful that you will also be able to see my hesitation or body language.  However, I tend to be dishonest in this arena and hide the truth from you.  I need to understand that complying with the rules with a hidden bad attitude is NOT going to be beneficial to me or to us in the long run.  If we want honest and transparent communication I need to be absolutely truthful at all times with you especially as it relates to my attitude.

I was taught as a child under extreme rule conditions to appease the "governing authorities" but maintain my own independent attitude by escaping into internal thoughts.  This was not a good pattern to establish and I need your help to overcome it as one of my major hurdles. 

I want my submission to be an intrinsic desire, motivated by my love for you and excitment to watch us grow.  I am willing to accept the effort and hard work that it will take to get there.  I want my thoughts to be pure and pleasing as a constant running thread thru my mind of how I can better support you. 

Afternoon talk and RA

     My new assignment is to daily blog.  I hope I don't view this as a burden but instead as an opportunity for me to put down in writing my thoughts and then we can discuss them as time permits before I publish.
     I love that you heard me say I needed more and thought of a new way to instill a daily submission task for me.  Thanks.  I am very hopeful that our weekend experience will launch us into this amazing DD lifestyle.  I'm glad we have these few weeks to practice obedience and warm up to the ideas that will become principles of daily life.
      I need your authority over me, accept no less than immediate and cheerful obedience.  I believe our biggest struggle will be with my attitude.  I don't know how to handle when I feel I have been disrespectful yet you either don't notice or disregard it.  I want to get a handle on this.  I want to respect you fully to my core.
     It's great getting into this with you! Thanks for leading us into a bigger and better marriage.  I love you.
     After a nice long talk you had me get into position on the bed.  You reminded me that you love me and that there is nothing I was being punished for.  I did not put on panties.  I laid on my tummy over the couch cushion.  You began by rubbing me with Arnica Oil.  After that you did several warm up spanks with your hand before switching to the spoon.  The spoon on my bare skin has left me fairly raw.  I find myself wishing for a longer spanking...more time to release my emotions.  I don't know how to lengthen it though.  More "talking" (lecturing) from you to me, alternating implements, reducing intensity to increase duration, corner time, multiple positions, etc.
     I think I am just on the edge of an emotional break thru, a real opportunity to tear apart the walls that I build  to protect myself when it's over and done with.  The spanking helps me to refocus, but I'm not getting the full release I'm hoping for.  I do not want to brat in order to experience a punishment to get the full release.  After our RA you rubbed me for a long time with more oil.  Thanks for caring for me by doing that! 
      Perhaps we will be more able to adequately determine the severity of the different spankings after our time away.  I'm not sure if that is covered or not.  I was also wondering about setting some personal goals for myself that you could help me by enforcing.  I want to become a better person, a better wife, a better mother thru this process.
      I started talking with you about my 2014 "WORD".  Here are a few of my choices.  Would you be interested in joining me on this WORD resolution?   We could help each other experience it to the fullest.
1. new
2. find
3. discover
4.  start
5. change
6. Remember

Lonely Thoughts

It's 1:46pm.  I'm sitting at what should be OUR desk, but today it's missing Sir.  My heart aches for him to return.  Looking at his empty chair is difficult.  This week so many thoughts are flooding my mind.  We recently got away on an overnight trip and did some much needed talking about our marriage.  At that point we were in quite a pickle.  We are really great at being roommates.  In less than one week our marriage can swing from one extreme to the other.  I'm so tired of that and want to make changes in our relationship, I want to work on our dynamic, I want to have the marriage that I always thought only existed in dreams.  I believe it's possible, it just takes work.